It would appear that I have neglected you, my loyal fans, a little bit over the past period I haven’t had any exciting thing happen like last time, so sadly (well, luckily) there isn’t that much to tell you about.
Everything is just slowly meandering along, although the side-effects are adding up. The fatigue is more-or-less constant by now. The loads of exercise aren’t giving me energy like they were before, although I reckon it would’ve been much worse without. My ability to concentrate has become tragic, your average rodent is capable of more focus than I am. Luckily I have accepted it as being the way it is and refuse to let it bother me. It is, however, annoying.
I try to train myself a little by reading but it stays hard. More complicated reading than some fantastic thriller has become un-processable, and ploughing though a book in a weekend like I used to is no longer possible. All in all the effect on my cognitive abilities is the worst part of this entire ordeal. How long this will last remains to be seen, but I’m hearing a year after treatment is not unusual. This means I won’t be able to just get back in the saddle at full steam next year, but I’ll do what I can. Luckily the university is quite flexible in this regard. In either case, I will give it my full 100%.
On the other hand, everything isn’t too bad on the physical side. My eyebrows have been decimated, but the hair on my head is still quite present (surprisingly). I need to shave my head every other day so I don’t get strange looking patches of hair. Because it is very thin still. I do occasionally suffer from tingling in my fingers and even my heart isn’t doing too bad. Despite the chemo’s cardio-toxicity I see a slow upward trend in my performance on the exercise bike. So at least I’m not doing it for nothing. I can’t say I’m a big fan of cycling my proverbial bum off, but like most good things in life it takes hard work. This in itself is rewarding. Because I have been sitting on my lazy backside a lot for the past 5 months. I know there isn’t much I can do about it, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I have to take that rest. And even though; rationally; I know I can’t just do what I want, I do on some level feel like a lazy bastard that is just using this situation as an excuse to do fun things, do loads of exercise, sit on the sofa and sleep way too much. Everyone’s response to me expressing this sentiment is that that is not at all the case - and I know that myself - but it still gnaws at me. The question I keep asking myself is whether I’m not being too careful, whether I shouldn’t be pushing harder, whether I couldn’t do more… I feel a little like a horse behind the starting gate, and I can’t wait for that gate to open so I can finally run again.
Pff look at me whining on, you’re not used to that from me. Oh what shall I say, I’m still keeping a positive outlook. Even though all these negative aspects have their place in all of this, they are; luckily; only a small part. I’m only human, so if I said everything was 100% great I’d be lying through my teeth. But everything considered I have no reason to complain. 90% of the time I don’t notice I’m ill, I guess you can get used to anything. And even though I can’t wait for my body to stop behaving like that of an old man I’m just trying to see this period of time as a forced vacation, I can’t really make it any better than that at the moment. And no matter how you look at it, it has taught me a lot. I sincerely doubt anyone values life as much as the ones that nearly lost it.
At least I will only have to go back to the cancer ward for chemo once (luckily, that part of the hospital is linked so strongly to the chemical junk in my mind that I feel more sick before I’m hooked up to the IV than after I get home) and finally the radiotherapy.
The initial plan was to not follow the chemotherapy up with radiotherapy, but after discussion in the group of oncologists they have decided to give me the full treatment because my cancer was such a nasty case.
I have a consult with the radiologist the 3rd of June where I’ll learn more about the radiotherapy. I’ll most likely start at the end of June/beginning of July. I’ll probably have to go to the hospital for radiotherapy every working day for a month. That’s only a first estimate though. Side effects are fatigue (well I’m used to that by now) and the skin in my right armpit will get damaged. Ten years down the line I may get vasoconstriction in the irradiated area. That will have to be dealt with surgically if or when the time comes. It’s a low-risk operation though. I’m afraid this means I have to postpone my summer a little, but well, better than the cancer coming back.
So even though the last mile is the longest, I’ll slowly battle my way through. Looking at how fast the past months have flown by I can start living again in no time!
And to be honest: I can’t wait.
